


anatomical revelations

by Upupanyway



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Smut, M/M, figuring out how bodies work, it was funny in my head i swear, non humans navigating human bodily functions, some exploratory fiction, very nsfw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2019-07-10
Packaged: 2020-06-25 14:40:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19747798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Upupanyway/pseuds/Upupanyway
Summary: Aziraphale and Crowley are celestial beings, only loosely tethered to their physical bodies. They hadn't had much reason to go exploring it all, but you know, humans do go around talking about consummating a relationship, as it were. So once they have a relationship to consummate, they do.





	anatomical revelations

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry.

"Oh, Crowley," Aziraphale said fondly. There was a teasing glint in his eyes that coloured Crowley's cheeks. Something sure, unabashed. "You mean to tell me you've loved me all this time?"

Crowley, in turn, was at a loss for words, as he often was around the angel. More specifically, Crowley was not quite sure how to save face in light of some new revelations.

"Six thousand years? Whatever did you see in me all the way back then?" Aziraphale continued to muse. He seemed good-humoured about the whole affair.

Crowley, on the other hand, was quite embarrassed. He was supposed to be cool, he had built his entire human identity around it. He wore designer sunglasses, he had squeezed his legs into impossibly tight pants, he had spent at least a century perfecting his strut. And yet, here he was, faced with one cheery angel who had undone it all with one smile.

"Well, angel, I think I had the thought that you were, I don't know, _cute_ ," Crowley explained. It felt strange on his tongue, to be able to confess his affections in plain truth rather than euphemism, no matter how thin.

Of course, 'cute' didn't begin to describe it. Crowley had been more or less awed at the angel's whole being. His decisiveness, his capacity for loving humans, his reverberating contestation at a Heaven that had recently kicked him out. It was a sore spot back then. Not that it has lessened much nowadays.

"Cute?!" Now it was Aziraphale's turn to redden. He was exuberant, he was ecstatic, he was indignant. He was also growing increasingly aware of a psychosomatic lump in his throat as the true implications of Crowley _loving_ him were dawning on him. "You know, in all my years, I don't know if anyone has ever called me _cute_."

"No? Well, maybe not to your face. It's an undeniable fact, this is." Crowley rejoiced. Some upper hand. "Inscrutably adorable."

" _Crowley_ ," Aziraphale said, meaningfully, rouging rather brilliantly at his ears now. Experiencing even this fondness was like looking into the heart of a star. And while most of the seraphim had always been quite willing and eager to bear witness to them, the rest of the angels had always been rather bashful, as if they had caught that star, unexpectedly, in its underthings.

"The cutest, angel. No doubt about that." The demon was leaning closer in his seat in their little cottage. He had on an infuriating little smirk that Aziraphale was simply not used to experiencing unhidden behind sunglasses. Crowley, next to him, leaned heavily and slithered a hand behind the angel. Then, deciding that he could be even more comfortable, moved his legs so that they were resting on Aziraphale's lap.

"No, I believe that title ought to be yours," Aziraphale informed the demon, because he believed it urgently to be the case. He also couldn't quite look at Crowley because he found that grin was a bit much at the moment.

And Crowley blushed something fierce at that because as much as he wasn't used to giving such open affection, he was much, much less used to receiving it. 

"I- you- what?" Crowley melted.

"You can't have missed it, my dear. You're a great many adjectives, and 'cute' is chief among them." Aziraphale's confidence was returning. He felt something, then. Mischief. The demon was surprisingly easy to fluster. "Adorable. Handsome. Fetching. Beautiful. Those are some of the others. Need I go on?" Aziraphale punctuated each word with an inch closer to Crowley, who was speechless on his lap.

"You haven't heard any of those, then?" Aziraphale ventured, lips a whisper from Crowley’s.

"I- er, no, actually," Crowley choked.

"Really?!" And the angel was actually quite surprised to hear it. One would think that after six thousand years on this planet, at least one human would have seen sense. "Not one of your sordid dalliances have thought to mention how absolutely gorgeous you are?" He was almost offended, now.

"Dalliances? What dalliances?" The demon sputtered. Had there been dalliances? Had he missed something?

"Had there not been dalliances? Not even once?"

"No," Crowley answered straightly, as if it should be the most obvious thing in the world. "Why would you expect there to have been anything like that?" Then, considering it, "Have you had any relations with the humans?"

Aziraphale nodded, slowly and dumbly. "Once." Then, he shook his head. "Er, well, I tried. But I don't think I quite had the hang of it," he amended. "It was during the opium craze and the paixiao was quite enchanting. I must admit, I can't seem to recall most of it. He did scream. Though, I can't, in good conscience, tell you it was out of any pleasure on his part."

Crowley frowned. Then he laughed.

"What happened? Did you hit him with your heavenly radiance? Did you show him your wings? Your _eyes_?"

"I might have gotten the anatomy wrong," Aziraphale admitted. "In my defense, it had been quite a while since I had seen a naked human."

Crowley wailed with laughter, though if he were being honest, he didn't quite know what was supposed to be under those breeches, either.

"You'd probably traumatized him, the poor bastard!"

"I've done some reading on it since! I think I've gotten it _now_!" the angel whined, embarrassed. 

Crowley tried to stop laughing. "Show me."

-

"No, no, that doesn't look right," Crowley commented. Aziraphale was naked in front of him, hands on his heavenly hips and a determined frown on his face.

"It is, I swear it!" Aziraphale told him. He grabbed for a medical textbook and flipped to the relevant page. "Look! That's how they are!"

Crowley took the book and studied the photographs.

"I don't know, angel. Is it supposed to dangle like that?"

"Yes, Crowley, I'm sure of it!"

Crowley continued to frown and flip through the anatomical models on the pristine, gloss pages.

"Well, you’re hardly the expert. I take it you’ve never manifested one, then?" Aziraphale challenged, taking a seat on the neat sofa. He sipped at some cocoa and hid behind his mug.

"No, 'course I haven't," Crowley muttered, setting the book down on the coffee table and taking a moment to wrap his head around it. "Can't be that difficult, though, can it?" With a wave of a hand, Crowley's clothes were gone, and with another, some dangly flesh manifested in the spot that certainly looked correct. "See? I think that's about right."

"Well, congratulations, Crowley," Aziraphale huffed, sitting cross legged and prim. "You've done an excellent job. It’s quite pretty."

And, because they were both looking quite intently at Crowley's new appendage, neither of them missed the way it reacted to those words. Crowley's heart raced.

"Well? What now?" Crowley said, moving towards the other naked figure with his arms crossed.

"What do you mean?"

Crowley gave the angel a significant look, a raise of the brows that looked suspiciously like a proposition.

"Oh, yes, of course! I suppose we've got to figure out how they work then," Aziraphale smiled.

-

The kissing was the easy part. Up 'til now, both of the beings had witnessed many a kiss, and they both understood the general mechanics involved.

What neither of them counted on was how their bodies would react to it. There was something about the friction of two naked bodies as they moved in unison, bumping skin with tangling arms and legs and fingers.

"You're doing splendid, darling," Aziraphale whispered between kisses. Crowley had discovered there was so much to kiss on the body, not merely mouths. Had the humans known? How had he not been made privy to the joys of kissing shoulders and chests and bellies? It seemed to Crowley like a lot of time had been wasted, and he desperately wanted to catch up on lost experience.

"Absolutely marvelous. You're so beautiful, Crowley," Aziraphale continued.

"Mmghh," Crowley said, in lieu of real words. He was currently too occupied to think of words. He felt himself elate at the praise.

"Is it supposed to do that?" Crowley asked when he reached the area below the belly. He was a little horrified to find that Aziraphale had grown stiff somewhere along the way.

"Oh, yes. I believe it is." Crowley leaned back to realize that Aziraphale was more or less a brilliant shade of velveteen scarlet all over, and his usually perfect curls were sloppily askew. Most importantly, his expression was impossibly fond. Crowley decided he looked absolutely ravishing.

"What am I supposed to do with it?"

"Something like this, I believe," he said, taking Crowley in his hand and teasing him with long, careful strokes. 

"Oh. Oh, wow," the demon agreed in awe. "Are you sure you haven't done this before?"

"Quite certain. Though, I admit I have done my fair share of research."

"Have you? On purpose?"

"Six thousand years is a long time to have never come across some erotica, my dear. Especially for the owner of a long-standing bookshop." Aziraphale would have reddened more, but he was a busy sort of angel, and he had a pressing issue at hand. And there was something about the affectionate heat radiating from the demon that made something in his stomach stir. Not hunger, though. Not quite hunger.

"An angel who reads pornography. Well, I'll be damned," Crowley mused.

Smiling, Aziraphale moved to sit down on the floor, settling between Crowley's legs to gave him a filthy lick. Crowley jerked towards it, and Aziraphale's grin widened on the demon's skin. Then, he opened his mouth to swallow around the soft flesh and it was a whole other beast.

"You can do that? That's allowed?"

"Humans are quite imaginative. I'm sorry you've missed it all these years."

"Not that you've done much better, though, eh, angel?" he threw back, halfheartedly. His mind and heart seemed to be somewhere else completely at the moment. Aziraphale hummed around him and the vibration reached the demon right down to his toes. Crowley shivered as the mouth left his person.

"I was waiting for the right time," Aziraphale said, voice deep and ragged. "The right person."

And it was strange, because Aziraphale wasn't even touching him just then, but the words affected the rhythm of Crowley's heart, anyhow.

As the angel went back to his business, Crowley busied himself memorizing the texture of Aziraphale's hair.

It was so much, to have that mouth on him, and it escalated rather quickly. It wasn't long before the demon, head thrown back and gasping, experienced something heaven-adjacent.

"Oh, angel," Crowley sighed. "Oh, heavens."

When Aziraphale leaned up to kiss him sweetly with salty lips, Crowley returned it in kind, dragging him close, chest to chest.

For some very tender, quiet moments, they kissed hungrily, chastely, and Crowley toppled them both to the floor.

"Your turn," Crowley whispered, grinning around a forked tongue.

-

When they had quite a run of it, they were both very, very spent, and the sun had receded into the warm horizon, and the dim moonlight hit the anatomy textbook through the thin curtains of window.

It had landed on a different page, and Crowley's eyes, which were best suited to seeing in the darkness anyway, widened with wonder.

"What's that?" Crowley questioned. He grabbed the book and showed it to Aziraphale, who on their sofa, resting his eyes. The sofa, in turn, was exuding a gleeful and smug air at the two of them. Crowley fought the urge to glower at it because he wasn’t sure it would work after what it had just witnessed.

"Darling, that's what the other half of the humans have." The angel batted him away, tiredly. "Can't say I'm very familiar with those."

"Would you like to try it out with me sometime?" Crowley rested his back against the furniture, and Aziraphale absently reached over to play with his hair.

"Of course, my dear," Aziraphale assured. He was actually excitedly anticipating the notion. "I'm afraid I might have opened a bit of a floodgate with you," he chuckled.

"Hm," Crowley hummed, flipping through more of the pages. "Congratulations, sweetheart. Temptation accomplished."

"Oh, good Lord. You’re a mug."

**Author's Note:**

> this may be the dumbest thing I've written to date. [ come say hi on tumblr ](https://artbymintcookies.tumblr.com/)  
> Edited: jul 10 for some wording and suchlike


End file.
